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Subj: Why I live in Florida ;-) Date: 1998-12-02 11:11 December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife = and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the = huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses = Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch = of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely = place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. = Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did = both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came = along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got = to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My = neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. = No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow = by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't = think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our = neighbor. December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The = cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but = warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! = The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I = didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll = certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff = so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow = tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The = wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's = silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway = putting down salt. Hurt like hell.. The wife laughed for an hour, = which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity = was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. = Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess = I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it = when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living = room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. = More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to = find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing = hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around = to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another = shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or = the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the = white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till = August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel = and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed = again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on = his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think = he is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to = decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why = didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think = she's lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was = having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives = that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he = hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he = comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over = where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas = carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the = damn snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea = of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow = driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my = shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. = If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to = kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. = She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to above -25. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. = That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars = for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" = predicted. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving = me. Why am I tied to the bed?